You Are What You Love
G
reetings!
My current 'life changing phrase of the month' comes from the movie Adaptation, starring Nicholas Cage and Meryl Streep. Nicholas Cage plays twin brothers, one relatively cool (and I do mean relatively) and one relatively a dud.
During my favorite scene, the dudly twin condescendingly asks the cool twin why he thinks he's so cool. He goes on to point out that one time in high school, he was watching, unseen, while Mr. I'm-So-Cool was talking to a popular girl who seemed attentive and responsive.
But as soon as Mr. Cool turned to walk away, she and another girl ridiculed him behind his back. The dudly twin witnessed the whole drama. And now, decades later, he chides, "Still think you're so cool now that you know the truth?"
(Bear with me, we're getting to the 'life changing phrase of the month' real soon.)
So the cool twin says something like this. "I knew that they were making fun of me. But it didn't matter. I loved that girl. And that love was mine. Not even she could take that away from me."
ok, here it is:m"You are what you love, not what loves you."
Take a minute to let the implications of that sink in.
You are what you love, not what loves you. YOU ARE WHAT YOU LOVE, not what loves you.
Your essence is not defined by what others think or feel about you, but by what you think and feel about others.
He was a person who loved purely and from the heart, not a person who was defined by the ridicule of others. And that's why he was cool. Cool on his own terms. Comfortable in his skin. Free from the need to earn approval or status. Free to be true to himself.
I think it's more than just a line in a movie. I think it's true. And I think a whole lot of suffering hearts could be soothed by this simple balm.
So I wordsmithed it a while, and came up with many variations on the theme. One of my personal favorites: You are what you hate, not what hates you. (especially soothing medicine for anyone involved in a nasty breakup or divorce)
You are what you notice, not what notices you.
You are what you say, not what is said to you.
You are what you do, not what is done to you.
You are what you think, not what is thought about you.
You'll notice that all these variations place full responsibility for who you are on you. No excuse for victimization. No room for blame, or bad luck, or bad karma. Just a simple reorientation back to the truth inside. Who or what do you love? What do you think about? What do you stand for?
Victor Frankl wrote about it in his book Man's Search For Meaning. While being held prisoner in a concentration camp, he discovered that the one thing his captors could never take away from him was his choice to feel and think as he wished. And therefore, they were powerless to affect his most essential and basic freedom: to decide and be the person he chose to be.
Eleanor Roosevelt echoes it in her statement that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
The Work of Byron Katie (www.thework.org) has as its foundation the concept that your only true business is your own thoughts.
And maybe it's even at the root of some of Jesus's teachings, like turning the other cheek, and forgiving them for they know not what they do. Wasn't one of his most radical messages not to become like your enemy in his hatred, but to offer him love in return?
And how about what profiteth a man if he gain the whole world, yet in so doing, lose his soul? Could that mean that if in exchange for the respect and admiration of others, you've sold out your own integrity, you are indeed left with nothing? (I'm certainly not a biblical scholar, and not at all qualified to enter into a conversation defending this theory of mine. It's just a gut feeling. So please forgive me if you feel I've misinterpreted the intention behind these verses.)
All I know is that taking this phrase into my heart has brought profound peace, as well as a clear focus for investing my energy. It has put an end to my attempts to try to get my most vocal critic to like and approve of me. It has reinforced my resolve not to become small in response to his attacks, not to sink to the level of hatred or a desire for revenge.
I've been ridiculed for my position in the past. Told that I am ignorant, naive, or a pushover. And I have lost many things because I turned the other cheek. But none of those things really mattered. My freedom to create myself as I wish remains intact.
You are what you love, not what loves you.
Back To Alonge
Alonge Archives
You can find Karen Alonge living her passion all day, every day in her career as an intuitive life coach and parenting consultant. Visit her website, 