I Hate Tumours
T
here’s nothing fair about the way it happened, the way my friend Amy died a little more than a year after hearing the same string of chilling words—you have cancer—as I’d had hurled over the phone at me just months before. Both in our early 30s with husbands and small children, Amy and I had a seemingly similar diagnosis: We both had treatable breast cancer. While caught early, we knew our cancers were considered particularly dangerous—young women tend to have more aggressive forms of the disease—but we also knew we had a high likelihood of survival, about 93 percent for at least five years.
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| Amy during her illness |
Amy and I had common hopes, fears and worries. We also shared an instant urge to reach others with our breast cancer stories. Amy welcomed local newspaper reporters into her world to capture through words and photographs her most intimate cancer moments. I began authoring my own breast cancer blog and then ventured into the world of freelance writing. We both wanted to make our experiences matter. And judging by the flood of reaction we received from our combined efforts, it’s clear we did.
We shared victories—neither Amy’s nor my cancer spread to the lymph nodes. We shared cards and e-mails. Thank you for holding my hand through this journey—it would have been pretty lonely without you, Amy wrote in one email.
We shared care packages, family photos, even wigs. If misery loves company, then Amy and I were in love. And in celebration of our love, we basked in the glory of our most important similarity—our cancers had not spread. This was key to our survival. Or so we thought.
Ericha, a mutual friend—Amy’s high school buddy and my college roommate—matched Amy and me. She was one of a few close friends who after my diagnosis offered to hop on a plane and come to my rescue in Florida. I never accepted her offer—I was sure I could handle cancer all on my own—and so she stayed in Ohio where Amy, also an Ohio girl, welcomed her assistance. It worked out well this way.
Ericha helped Amy as she recovered from surgery, reconstruction, chemotherapy, and countless physical and emotional twists. She watched Amy’s kids—ages 4 and 1—and cleaned her house, drove her to appointments and selflessly assumed some of the burden drowning Amy, who continued working as a nurse while managing life with cancer.
“I quit my job,” Amy told me right after announcing her cancer had returned—it had shown up in her brain in lungs, just five months after her chemotherapy for breast cancer ended. She said she should have quit after her first diagnosis. She should have taken better care of herself. She should have played with her children, spent time with her husband, given up the chore of work. She would do it right this time, she said. She would crush cancer. She was sure if it.
I wrote and published a post about Amy on The Cancer Blog that week. I wrote about my shattered hope, my fear this would happen to me, my complete and total sadness. And then Amy left a comment on my post. She wrote:
"Jacki, I am not giving up. I will beat this again. Don’t you give up yet. I have Luke and Ella and they alone are worth fighting for. Just everyone send me your prayers and positive vibes. Quoting the cancer crusade couple, “Setbacks are a chance to pause and review the lesson of life".
Amy, the one staring down death—doctors said she had two to 12 months to live—was comforting me. Amy, with her spunk and spirit, convinced me she would annihilate this evil disease. I believed her.
Amy lived for only five weeks after she wrote these words. Ericha called me with the news of her death just as I was leaving my house one Saturday morning to run in a race. I stopped in my tracks when Ericha told me—Amy passed yesterday—and I felt nothing but shock and sorrow for the duration of the run I struggled to finish. I finished for Amy, though. If she could fight cancer—twice—then I could surely pound out a few miles in honor of a friend whose face I never did see.
Amy and I talked about meeting at the beach with our families one day after we’d survived cancer for a few years. We dreamed of going on the Oprah show and proudly announcing our survivorship. We talked about a lot in our short 15-month friendship. What we didn’t talk about was that our situations really were very different.
Amy had a family history of breast cancer. I did not. Just after Amy completed her chemotherapy, her mother was diagnosed with the same disease that now has affected four generations in her family. Additionally, Amy’s tumor was slightly larger than mine, and she received a different chemotherapy protocol than I got. She was not eligible for a year-long drug treatment like I was to keep cancer at bay, and because she had chosen the radical route of removing both of her breasts—I had a lumpectomy—Amy was not a top candidate for the radiation therapy that zapped me five days per week for seven weeks. She wondered if she should have demanded this treatment. She wondered if it would have made a difference in her survival.
The final and perhaps most significant difference in our diseases is that while neither of our cancers spread to our lymph nodes, Amy’s had found its way into her bloodstream and was spreading in a secret, silent, and deadly fashion. My oncologist, who dried my tears when I sobbed about the unfairness of Amy’s death, said some young women have a very aggressive disease right away. Amy was one of these women. I, apparently, am not.
No, there’s nothing fair about the way it happened, how Amy died just 15 months after a breast cancer diagnosis I have now survived for two years, how there is no cure for this mysterious disease that strikes far too many women and some men too.
Amy’s husband sent me an e-mail just after she died. He wrote:
You were a great inspiration to Amy. Your quote "Fight the Good Fight" was front and center on our fridge. Please don’t let this news get you down, Amy would want your chin up, would want you to keep fighting. Thanks for all your support.
My chin is up. I am fighting. And Amy—thank you for your support.
Jacki Donaldson lives in Gainesville, Florida, with her husband, John and sons, Joey and Danny. When not freelancing and working on her personal Breast Cancer blog, she likes to spend time with her three guys, get crafty with art projects exercise and volunteer her efforts to the fight against cancer.
Visit Jacki at jackidonaldson.com, Hope Starts Here, The Cancer Blog
and
That's Fit.com"
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Breast Cancer Journeys
