Domestic Violence: Behind Closed Doors
Copyright ©2006 Sure Woman.com/Dawn G. Prince
Finding The Courage To Leave
For Teresa Brouwer, the inkling that she needed to get out of her abusive relationship started when she went to college and realized that there was something better out there for her and her 3 girls. But the moment of truth came the day her alcoholic husband passed out drunk in front of her daughter.
“My five-year-old daughter was having a sleep over and the kids woke up with him lying on his face still dressed and had his jacket on from the night before,” she says. “This was a wake up call for me to finally say that this was it. I didn't want my kids or their friends to see or live like this. Having three daughters, I needed to get them away from a bad situation before they became victims of violence themselves.”
Despite the threats of bashing in the car and killing her—with the clothes on their backs—she and her girls left the alcoholic abuser and never looked back
The first step is the decision to leave. Finding strength and courage seems to be a lot harder than the most severe abuse suffered by some of women because of the emotional ties to the relationship and the situational barriers that exist outside the relationship. But for every woman that suffers in silence and stays out of fear, there are many women of courage who find the strength to say enough.
“He has a plan of abuse and even, if it’s not right away, maybe six months from, she has to have a plan of action,” says Susan Murphy-Milano, a renowned relationship expert and author of Moving Out and Moving On. “And so what does that plan involve? She needs to figure that out that she’s safe, she needs to have the support of friends, family, a shelter.”
Most women leave in the middle of the night or when their partners are at work because they fear for their lives and the safety of their children. The fear of leaving is understandable, as statistics show that of the total domestic violence homicides about 75% of deaths occurred as women attempted to leave the relationship or after the relationship had ended (Women’s Rural Advocacy Programs, WRAP).
In Monica’s Young’s case, she divorced him while still living with him and told him he had to be out by the day of the divorce. On the day of the divorce, he held her captive with a gun. Escaping, she went into hiding, only to have him stalk her at work two weeks later and shoot her five times before killing himself. Her aim was to divorce him and get on with her life by placing her faith in God, but she does not advise women to leave the way she did.
“I did not have a plan. I knew my ex-husband wouldn’t leave me alone, and I believed if I was going to die,” says the 49 year-old Chicago resident. “I made a decision that if I was going to die it would be trying to leave instead of staying there and dying. I also came to realize it was not God’s will for me to live like this, and I knew I had done everything that I could to try and make the marriage work.”
An advocate who speaks regularly to women and organizations, she emphasizes that it is especially important to develop a plan. “Determine, are you in a crisis or is this an emergency. Determine whom you can trust. Where you can go. Look into agencies. Do not leave any traces of phone calls—use someone else’s phone. If you do not feel comfortable with the police department, go to a hospital emergency room for protection. There is so much more.”
But in order for women to leave abusive relationships, they need to have support from family and friends and the services they contact for help and not suffer condemnation for remaining in the relationship. Very often, she’s already ashamed and blaming herself for the situation.
“It’s important [to know] that we cannot make a victim change, they have to be ready; nor can we put them down if they leave and return because what will happen is they will feel isolated, rejected and helpless…causing them to stay,” says Monica.
Teresa emphasizes that leaving is not easy. In the article, “Why don’t she leave?” for Suite 101.com she states, “There are several things that victims need to hear: I believe you, your fear is real, what is happening to you is wrong, it was not your fault, you are not a failure, you deserve to be happy and healthy, I will help you, and I love you.”
While T.K. Jordan had the strength to walk out the first time a man laid a hand on her, her mother wasn’t as strong and endured years of abuse before leaving. By that time, her spirit was so battered she’d given up and used alcohol to ease the pain.
“I think that it is so important for women to know that if a man hits you once, he will do it again, UNLESS, there is some intervention and he gets help. I do believe that there are good programs out there that can offer assistance to both the abuser and the abused.”
But Jordan feels her mother did the best she could at the time. “My mother had grabbed us a many nights and rushed us to the car and tried to leave only to get in the car then see my father standing on the porch with wires from under the hood dangling in his hand.”
“I also know that just like all of us today, my mother had a choice! But she was not strong enough at the time to choose life,” she says. “That's why I feel that it is so important that we be there for people when they are broken and weary.”
For Carolyn Chappelle, it took an ex-husband, who also abused her, to tell her that if she didn’t put up with him doing it to her, she didn’t have to put up with her fiancé’s abuse against her. It seems like hearing it from other people gave her the strength that she needed to leave the relationship. Once she found out, her grandmother told her that no man had a right to lay a hand on her.
“My grandmother. She left my grandfather after the war. He’d become an alcoholic. She’s independent and said, ‘I raised your father on my own and you don’t have to stay with any man to raise your son.’ She’s very strong. She’s’ 91.”
The more time she spent on her own, the more she realized that she wasn’t living the life that she’d wanted. It wasn’t easy, but caring for her son was a priority and that gave her added strength to not go back. She eventually told him that it was over for good.
“When he almost threw me off the roof, I realized that I had to leave quietly.”
Most abused women will remain in the relationship for years and finding the strength becomes all the more harder. But once she gains that strength and courage, she needs to know that there are services that she can turn to for protection from the batterer— something that Carolyn was not aware of at the time.
More often than not, the treatment she gets once she comes forward determines whether she stays strong enough to not go back. This treatment begins with officer response to the justice system and the shelters and organizations she will entrust with her decision. After her father killed her mother and then himself, Murphy-Milano took on the system to put a face on domestic violence so that victims would feel confident enough to make a phone call and get help.
“Victims aren’t allowed to come out and say I need help because if they do they are condemned; it’s a catch 22- you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t.”
Finding Help and Services
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National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7223(SAFE)
