Domestic Violence: Behind Closed Doors

Copyright ©2006 Sure Woman.com/Dawn G. Prince

Carolyn Chappelle’s Strength and Vulnerability, Part I

A no-nonsense New Yorker high on self-esteem and empowerment for women, 39-year-old Carolyn Chappelle is the personification of confidence. But listen to her talk about her past abusive relationships, and under all that outer bravado is a woman who is as vulnerable as she is strong.

Married at nineteen, her perfect marriage turned into a nightmare of violence when her drug-addicted husband couldn’t handle the pressures of marriage. Still believing in Prince Charming, she thought she’d found him in a close friend who turned out to be a man with an abusive past, and once again, the fairy tale unraveled.

For almost four hours, we talked about the abuse, and she seems truly shocked that although she thought of herself as strong and with high self-esteem, she still stayed with her abuser. And yet, she’s honest when she says that she didn’t see any of the signs or she did not see herself as a victim—at first.

At times she cries because it is hard to talk about something that you’d blocked out for so many years. As she talks, you get to see the perfectionist that she calls herself, and she doesn’t take offense when you point it out. Carolyn seems very willing to see truth and when something new is revealed to her and she’s blindsided by its obviousness—which she couldn’t see back then—you hear the pain in her voice as if you were right in the room beside her. There are moments where she regains her usual composure, and you feel her strength as well as a vulnerability and innocence that should not be mistaken for weakness. as she discovers by the end of the interview.

Dawn Prince: So you got married at nineteen and you thought it was the perfect and ideal relationship.

Carolyn Chappelle: I was still a virgin when we met. We got engaged and a few months later, I got pregnant with my son, and we wound up getting married earlier. I thought it was going to be forever. I just thought everything was perfect. At Lamaze, they would say, you guys are the perfect couple.

So when did he become abusive? When I was pregnant, I remember him grabbing and pulling me back because I wanted to leave or something. I found out that he emptied our bank account (for drugs). He would say, Carolyn, where is your purse, the rent money—he would grab me and pull me out of bed and tell me to find it. He would get into the closets and pull everything out looking for money. I would try to grab the money and he’d shove me away –I almost fell down the stairs once.

At that time this is why I stayed in it—because we were more like wrestling. He never just hauled off and hit me. He was more of pull and push until it escalated that one time... he grabbed me by the neck and squeezed and said give me my son. He had me face down on the floor. We had the dishes all over the floor. He’s got me by the neck; I am holding onto my son, he’s trying to make me let go. I saw the paring knife. I got up and grabbed it and stabbed him the shoulder and ran upstairs to my sister-in-law...it lasted about 4 years. But this was the milder version of what was to come.

And so right after you separated you started to hang out with a family friend. Did you tell him of your past situation? I had told him my whole situation. And he wounded up being protective saying if my husband ever comes around and tries to hurt me, let him know.

How old were you?

I was 25.

Did you feel betrayed after you told him of your past situation?

We bonded because he, too, was separated. As I talk to you, I think how delusional and naïve to believe people. He told me that his wife was very violent and they get into arguments.

Did he give you the impression that he would never hit a woman?

He wound up being what I thought was Mr. Right. He was romantic. I got flowers all the time. He would cook for me. He took me to work, brought me lunch. It was a real courtship. He was intelligent; we were able to have intellectual conversation, unlike with my husband. He’d gone to college. This man was a genius. This man had everything. He knew his history. He could tell you anything. He’d been in the navy. Very well spoken. You could put him in any setting.

And so he was the ideal package?

He was tall, and he had the ideal body, and once again it was the perfect relationship. One of the signs I now know is that he isolated me. I hadn’t really been spending too much time with the family. I wasn’t in a lot of the family pictures, and now looking back, I think where was I? I couldn’t remember that period of my life—two and a half years.

You spent a lot of time together?

We were so intertwined in each other. It became a very sexual relationship. After the first marriage and the whole religion thing…he was just planting the seeds. He knew my thing about sex and not enjoying it. He kinda just played on that for a while.

Was that part of the isolation?

Yeah. He would pick me up. Dinner was cooked. We would eat and then lock ourselves in the room—completely intertwined with each other. We spent night and day together. We had sex five to eight times a day. First thing in the morning before work—I switched from not being a sexual person to it almost being religious for me. It was very severe. I think back, and if you haven’t been in relationships before you don’t know what’s normal to what’s not.

How long into the relationship did you seen his true nature?

Three months and nothing happened. No signs at that point. His wife was like, it’s not all roses with him…he’s abusive. She told me.

You didn’t hear it?

I didn’t want to believe her. He was too perfect. His sister did also, but I thought she was telling me this because she was his wife than she was for me and that she just had hope for them to get back together.

You were vulnerable after your separation. Was it the perfect opportunity to manipulate you?

You hit it right on the head. He was very manipulative. He could talk his way out of anything and make you believe it.

Did you ever confront him about the rumors?

He said that his ex is a very jealous woman. That every woman he talks to she gets jealous and she goes into her rages—I’d seen her go into rages. He had this composure that he could do nothing wrong and she was confrontational.

You still didn’t see any warning signs?

I was just blind. Oh, God. How ridiculous and how stupid I was at the time. They had an argument…she went into the building and his sisters and me were in the car. He walked in after her, then, we heard a scream, and he comes bringing her out and there is blood on her eye. We rush her to the hospital.

How did he explain that?

That she tripped and fell. Piece of the gate on the door that framed the window was sticking out, and she fell and tripped—gashing under her eye.

Is that what happened?

I don’t know. His sister said, I think he did it. I was no way. He wouldn’t do that. She was like…hmm, you never know, and I said I think it was an accident. But later on his ex-wife told everyone that he did it.

Did that put any doubts in your mind or love is blind?

Nope. I still didn’t see it. That saying is so very true. He wanted to marry me and we wound up getting engaged. And then it started coming out: “If you ever leave me.” He gave me that warning. We were together and he said: “If you ever try to leave me, I would kill you.”

Did that scare you?

No, it didn’t and I don’t know why. I always thought that I was so tough. I said, why would I leave you and that was it. I thought nothing of it.

When was the first incident?

We got into a disagreement, and I’ve just had enough of it and just casually said, ‘I am leaving.’ He just grabbed me and said, ‘where are you going? You’re not going anywhere. Don’t you remember what I told you? You think I am joking when I said I would kill you if you try to leave me.’ I looked at him…I don’t remember what my thoughts were, and of course, I didn’t leave because it was over nothing.

Some women would take that kind of threat as something.

I don’t know why I didn’t. As I hear it coming out of my mouth, I think, what was wrong with me? Super intelligent woman, and I couldn’t even figure that out. He started coming in late at three in the morning, disappearing—that is where the drugs came in.

What did you feel in your gut and in your heart that first time he hit? Nothing. It hurt.

It didn’t hurt your heart?

I felt nothing, except it hurt. I would hit him back.

You still didn’t see anything wrong?

Nope. He used to shower me with gifts, flowers, and candlelight dinners. He threw me a big 27th birthday bash. Nobody could find him for about an hour. I was upset and as we walked home, he became quiet—we were holding hands and my purse and he just kinda lifted my arm and slammed it into my throat. It’s the worst feeling in the world—you can’t breathe because there is no air. I collapsed and I was down on my knees trying to catch my breath.

What happened after that?

I think I told him that I was leaving. He pushed me upstairs and up to the roof saying, ‘you are always crying for your mother. You’re going to see your mother tonight. The sidewalk is where you are going to be unless you can fly.’ That was really daunting, being so close to the edge. I thought I can’t fight him, and I started to cry and something in him snapped and he said. Run, Run before I change my mind.

Was it over for you that night?

In my mind that night it was over and it wasn’t because I would have had to start over in a new relationship, and I didn’t want to do that. At this point, I’m still not afraid of him. The fact that he didn’t throw me off the roof showed me that he didn’t mean it.

And so you stayed?

I stayed for a while and eventually left because my Sargeant in the military said he had an apartment. We wounded up getting back together. He moved in. I said, ‘you have to come home. I’m not going to have this disappearing act,’ and it was good for a while.

How do you get back together with someone who almost throws you off a building?

I am truly wracking my brain to muster up what emotions I had at that time about him, and I think it was for me the fact that he didn’t throw me off the roof. It was just more proof that he wouldn’t hurt me. It was more proof that I knew to get out of being hurt.

You were living in denial?

He would always apologize after. Keri I love you. I don’t want to hurt you. You can’t tell me that you’re going to leave me. You can’t say that anymore. It makes me crazy. The fact that I was always saying that I was leaving was when he was physical trying to get me not to leave. What caused him to be physically abusive was the fact that I was leaving.

Are you saying that if you didn’t threaten to leave that he would not have been abusive?

I don’t know. I wouldn’t have the answers to that question. He was fine as long as I didn’t go anywhere without him.

Your answer sounds like you are blaming yourself for him being abusive?

I would never excuse somebody’s actions because if you don’t like what I say or do you can go on your way. I was very self-righteous and this is what got me through it because there is no reason for anyone to put his hand on me.

Did he hit you often?

We had incidents where we would go at it. You would say something that he didn’t like, and he would walk over to you, nodding, and when you least expect it, wham, he hits you in the face. The force that he had behind those hits—I am surprised that I still have my hearing. Once in the kitchen I was standing in the window and he hit me so hard that my head hit the refrigerator and hit the wall and his watch cut my eyebrow. I put the keys in my fist and punched him. Most women wouldn’t do this. Because I was military, I jabbed the keys in him.

Did you not see your self as a victim?

I grew up a tomboy. I was always wrestling with the boys. I would fight him back and so I didn’t see myself as a victim. I fought back. I didn’t see myself as a female. I saw myself as something superior to the female. I didn’t think they were intelligent. I was on this serious trip. I thought I was on this pedestal. I didn’t see myself as a victim. I was an athlete. I ran track, played basketball. I’m 5’ 9”, but he was 220 lbs and 6’2”.

Who did you see as victims?

The girly-girls. The femme fatales, the ones that played with dolls, the ones that got their hair done. I fought back. I couldn’t be a victim. Was I wrong.

What happened after you jabbed him?

I was bleeding and when I said you hit me so hard you cut me, he pulled me over to the light and said, ‘look at the piece of skin from your forehead in the watch, it was the watch that cut you.’

Regardless of the watch cutting you. He was the one that hit you.

Right. I didn’t get that. He kept saying I’m not the one who made you bleed; it was the watch. I was like, okay.

Again, I am still trying to understand how do you stay with someone who did this and almost threw you off a building?

I don’t know. I am still struggling to realize this as I talk to you. I am trying to remember the events and how they happened. I am confused as to how I can define myself with having self-esteem and still be with him, and the only thing I can think of is my arrogance of thinking that I am superwoman—not even woman because I didn’t even think of myself as a woman.

Carolyn Chappelle II

Top
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7223(SAFE)

Back To The Cover