Domestic Violence: Behind Closed Doors
Copyright ©2006 Sure Woman.com/Dawn G. Prince

The Effects of Domestic Violence

T he most visible effects of domestic violence are the physical injuries and the cost of treatment. Every year the U.S spends 5 to 10 billion dollars—for healthcare resulting from domestic violence (The National Workplace Resource Center). The U.S. Department of Justice reports that 37 percent of women seeking emergency care are as a result of domestic violence. For most of us, the closest we get to domestic violence is what we read or see on television when somebody gets killed. And yes, we are shocked by the bruises, swollen faces, bloody lips, broken bones to the more severe injuries like Monica Young’s ordeal of being shot five times by her husband who killed himself. Those are the injuries that we can see and treat, and eventually they heal and scar over.

But what about the emotional impact to the victims—including the children—that we can’t see? (The effects on children will be discussed in Part Four of this series.) Abuse goes to the core of a woman and destroys from the inside, stripping away her self-worth and a sense of who she is. Every blow or harsh word cuts to her soul and diminishes her spirit. Domestic violence destroys a woman’s self-image the more she’s subjected to violence against her body and spirit. These are the scars you don’t see.

This can be devastating to a woman trying to heal and move on. Some problems related to domestic violence are low-self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness, developing a hard exterior, not being able to trust men, therefore, trouble committing to and forming normal healthy relationships. Some commit suicide and turn to drugs or alcohol to cope with it. T.K. Jordan is a 37-year-old mother of three and author of the book, “Woman at the Well,” that details her own struggle with the after shocks of growing up amid domestic violence and witnessing her father beat her mother. She saw her once vibrant mother, who played the piano in church, turn to alcohol in order to ease the pain.

“I do feel that she gave up and started using alcohol as a means to dull the pain in her life,” she says. “That is why I'm so big on the damage done by abuse that is not evident to the naked eye. My father did not physically kill my mother, as I state in the book—my mother finally escaped the physical abuse, but she died long before she ever got out of that house. It just took some time for the physical to catch up with her spirit.”

Getting past the pain of domestic abuse is never easy, especially, for those who’ve pushed it aside and try to go on as if it never happened. They go about their business without realizing that past experiences will eventually catch up with them. 37 percent of women have symptoms of depression and 45 percent experience Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (Housekamp & Foy, 1991). PTSD can affect sleep, cause flash backs and anxiety.

For Jordan, it took some time for her childhood experiences to catch up with her. At 18, she had her first child and started a string of marriages that sent her on a collision course with her past. Married 5 times by the time she was 34, she went from relationship to relationship, only to discover that men weren’t the source of her happiness or unhappiness, but she had to look inward and confront the past and let divine love in.

“The only thing that gave me joy, peace, breath, was God. He knew how to heal my hurt, and that did it for me.” Today, Jordan’s gotten past the pain, but cautions, “There are a lot of people walking around with bandages over their wounds, they are functioning, smiling, carrying titles but that bandage does not produce an atmosphere that is conducive to healing. So the hurt scars over on the outside, but the inside is still tender, bruised & when someone hits that spot, the pain is still there!”

Carolyn Chappelle—the usually “stoic…woman of steel” occasionally breaks down and realizes that she hasn’t dealt with her pain as she talks about her two abusive relationships. Seemingly strong and confident, she’s surprised to learn how vulnerable she is as she digs deep to retrieve the past that she’d blocked out. Appearing unscathed and stressing that she had no feelings while the abuse took place, her demeanor changes half-way through as the questions get more probing—unearthing emotions that she’d shoved away deep inside. Showing her pain, she seems almost embarrassed.

“It changes you. I went from shutting down, not wanting to be looked at as a sexual being…intimidating men—”

Often through tears, she talks about the emotional difficulties she’s had since the relationship ended. She became celibate for 3 years and built up a wall as protection from getting hurt and acted like she didn’t need anybody. Even now, she goes through long bouts of celibacy and tends to end relationships before she gets hurt.

“After that I didn’t want anybody looking at me in a sexual way,” says the 39-year-old. “ I was having doubts. Maybe, I wasn’t supposed to be with men. Maybe, I was to be with a woman instead. I had built myself into this glamorous kind of independent, self-sufficient, don’t need a man around me kind of woman….”

As if she were talking about one of her t-shirt designs, she tries to explain the symbolic meaning of a tattoo of a rose she designed after the last relationship ended, but it is too much to skim over and the pain is evident. Her voice is soft, girlish and trembling. It is barely audible as she forces the words out.

“It represented relationships between men and women,” she says in between tears. “I was so pure and so sweet and so nice…I was the rose and I was so young, and I hadn’t yet blossomed and these bad experiences kinda destroyed who I was…”

Her voice trails off, and you can hear quiet tears in the background as she struggles to contain her emotions as if a tough New Yorker with her own business shouldn’t show her vulnerability, and you soon realize that the wounds are much deeper and much more raw than she cares to admit—even to herself.

These are the scars you don’t see.

What you can see is that domestic violence is detrimental to a woman’s health and well-being, and the longer she stays within the relationship the more she loses of herself. Embracing her vulnerability, Carolyn admits that she still has some healing to do and will get counseling to truly free herself from the trauma of her experiences. She believes that abused women should seek therapy to get on the path to true healing and wholeness.

“Now, I see that healing is an ongoing process. No matter how strong you think you are—just putting it behind you and blocking it out—it doesn’t mean that you’re better; it just means it’s dormant for right now.”

Next: Finding The Courage To Leave

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Back To The Cover National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7223(SAFE)