Domestic Violence: Behind Closed Doors
Copyright ©2006 Sure Woman.com/Dawn G. Prince

Loosed and Healed, A Conversation With Monica Young, Part I

Monica Young, a woman of faith, believes she survived a horrendous act of domestic violence through the grace of God. In 1995, she was shot 5 times—twice in the head—by an-ex husband who then shot and killed himself.

Caught up in a cycle of abuse for years, she had to face her own truths in order to find the right path. Her story as told in the book, “Loosed, As I Went I Was Healed,” seems to be as much about surviving domestic violence as it is about healing the human spirit and “childhood—what we do not face can hurt us. Also, it’s about my spiritual relationship I have with God and he getting all the glory, and standing on his promises.”

Today, Young is married and still living in Chicago. Proactive since 1995, she lectures and speaks out against domestic violence to women’s groups, shelters and even the courts. The day she found the courage to stand up, she found her voice and took back her life. In what has become a passion and a passage to healing—including her own—her mission is to educate a society that often looks the other way with domestic violence and speak for women who have lost their own voices.

DAWN PRINCE: The day your ex-husband came to your workplace and shot you five times, it’s a day that’s probably seared into your memory for life.

MONICA YOUNG: When something happens that is horrendous it’s as if things are moving in slow-motion, and it just cannot be real—what is happening. My heart felt like it was going to beat right outside of my chest. I had no thoughts after being shot. I was in and out. I remember hearing the paramedics talking, me being put into the ambulance and then the trauma doctors working on me.Post trauma is real and there will be times that a victim will experience some flashbacks or see something that reminds them of their trauma. It was important for me to revisit where my being shot occurred but equally important to bring closure so that I could move forward without daily reminders of what had happened to me.

You were shot in the head and about the body? Any side effects?

Two bullets to the head (through the left ear and right cheek), one to the chest; one through the right wrist and one grazed the left index and thumb. I have nerve damage in my wrist, hand and face.

Do you think if he’d gotten you into the car, as he wanted, you would be alive today?

He told me to stay in the car and he was going to…get into the car. He told me that he wanted me to go with him and see him kill himself. I got out of the car…my thought was if he was going to do something to me, I stood a better chance of getting medical attention than going with him and no one finding me.

The shooting took place two weeks after the divorce in 1995?

There was no separation before the divorce; he was still living in the house up to the day of the divorce. [I] allowed him to live there until the end of the month. I agreed to let him stay—because of compassion for him and I wanted it to end peacefully.

Statistics show 75 percent of deaths from domestic violence happen around a woman leaving and you let him stay in the house until the end of the divorce.

I would not recommend a person to separate the way I did. This is because I was leaning on my faith in God, and I believed that my ex-husband would never leave me alone no matter where I went. I also knew it was not God's will for me to run, because then I would never be loosed. Therefore, I chose not to run and stand. I thank God that he showed up and took care of my enemy and I never have to worry again about this.

What was the worst abuse before the shooting?

The day I divorced him—he held me captive and asked me how did I want to die, he said I can cut you up in pieces, then he said no because I would look bad at the funeral, instead he could strangle me. I convinced him to not let me suffer and instead if I had to die, give me medicine—which he did and I became lethargic. He decided after forcing me to take medication he did not want me to die and called a hospital to see what to look for when person over-doses on a particular medication.

What happened during the two-day ordeal?

The next morning he took me back to the county building and re-applied for another marriage certificate. He told me no one has to know that I divorced him and after we wait 24 hours by law, we can go back to the county building and get married, and I’ll see things will be different. He had a gun, and I was scared to tell anyone. I knew he was suicidal (and) I believed others could be in harm’s way as well.

Do you think convincing him to give you the medication saved your life?

I wasn’t even thinking that at the time. I thought if I was going to die, I didn’t want to suffer. I was able to escape because he left to get something to eat. I called my godmother, and she notified others…they told me to run out of the house, and they met me in the parking lot and took me to the hospital and police station. I went into hiding for 2 weeks, then returned to work, and that is when he showed up in the garage and shot me 5 times.

Did he ever stalk you?

The stalking was ongoing throughout the marriage each time I separated from him…after the divorce…he was calling me at work and making threats of suicide.

I read that you divorced and remarried him at the beginning?

I was married for a year. Within 6 months the behavior began…I became scared. We were divorced for nine months before I remarried him.

Why did you go back a second time?

For love—I was looking for love in all the wrong places. Feeling sorry for him. Not wanting to start over; allowing people to take advantage of you. You become helpless. I was needy, and I married somebody who was needy. My childhood was not a normal childhood. I had feelings of rejection and helplessness, and I carried it into my adulthood.

Had you ever had an abusive partner before?

No.

Did you grow up with domestic violence?

Yes, verbally and physically by my mother’s lover…whippings with iron cords and extension cords wrapped together, duct tape put over my mouth…threats…my mother was also abused by her lover.

Do you wish that you could have gotten help as a young girl to break the cycle of carrying it into your adulthood?

Yes, but I did not want to report my mother for fear of her getting in trouble and me being taken away from my family and bringing shame to the family.

Your marriage, was it beatings, shoving, verbal abuse?

Verbal threats, restraining, pushing, pulling, following me, taking away my belongings—such as car keys. His tactics were intimidation…I was more intimidated with his verbal abuse, such as him saying 'if I leave I was going to pay', or using the threat of ' I am going to kill myself if you leave'.

How did you feel when he verbally abused you?

His behavior took me back to my childhood days of feeling helplessness, when my mother's lover would whip me, and my mother did not defend me. I was always sensitive about verbal threats since childhood.

Did you hide the abuse from family and friends?

Initially, yes. Then, I told my godmother and eventually my prayer partners at church and then my pastor, family. Domestic abuse crosses all racial and socio-economic backgrounds.

What kind of women do you come across in your speaking engagements?

Every kind—the unfortunate thing is those who are really well-off most likely will not attend most seminars because of shame or privacy of the family name...women of all colors and even men will come out because they have had a love one in domestic violence situation

A lot of women suffer in silence--is it a horrible secret of people finding out?

More than anything—it’s concern about what others will think of you, shame, blaming yourself, feeling responsible for making the decisions that you have made. [You are ashamed] because you constantly hear others say, if that was “me” what they would do, and I would not allow that or didn't you see this before you married him?

What made you stay in the relationship for 5 years?

Self-pity. Fear for my life, also if I got anyone else involved he might do harm to them as well. Helplessness and not believing there was a way out because the many times that I had left before he would stalk me. You believe you are going to make something work. I kept praying because God turns everything around. Believed God was going to change things—but if he didn’t want to change—it wouldn’t happen.

I read on a survivor’s website that, it will be crystal clear when a woman’s had enough. How did you know?

I made a decision that if I was going to die it would be trying to leave instead of staying there and dying. I also came to realize it was not God’s will for me to live like this, and I knew I had done everything that I could to try and make the marriage work.

How did you find the strength and courage to leave?

I have to say I did not have a plan, however I do not recommend this to anyone else. I knew I was going to divorce him and told him he was to be out of the apartment by a certain time after the day of the divorce, and I was going to move on with my life. I had decided I was no longer going to hide or run, and I was trusting God for protection.