Domestic Violence: Behind Closed Doors
Copyright ©2006 Sure Woman.com/Dawn G. Prince
Teenage Dating Violence
“And if he likes me, what does it matter if he strikes me. I’ll fetch his paper with my arm in a sling, just for the privilege of wearing his ring.”
–Fiore, 1959 Broadway Musical
Teenage Dating Violence is often an overlooked part of violence against women and follows some of the same patterns as adult abusive relationships. One in three teenage girls will experience some form of abuse while dating, and a survey of 500 young women, ages 15 to 24, found that 60 percent were currently involved in an ongoing abusive relationship (Bureau of Justice Statistics, 2002).
“It is widespread. Teenagers want to be loved,” says Murphy-Milano. They want to be in a relationship—maybe their home life isn’t so good. Maybe he’s the football captain. They are intimidated. He says go change your hair.”
An estimated 1/5 to 1/3 of all teenagers who are involved in dating relationships are regularly abusing or being abused by their partners verbally, mentally, emotionally, sexually, and/or physically (SASS, 1996).
19-year-old K. wasn’t allowed to stay and enjoy her Junior Prom. After the customary dance with her father, the abusive boyfriend made her leave the dance. There were subtle signs. It seemed like he always knew where she was. He would push and pull. Even though he didn’t say it outright, he made her feel that she was too fat. She had to “hang out with him all the time,” and she detached from her friends and family. He made her feel like things were her fault and she felt sorry for him. She was afraid of him because he would get angry for no reason and hit things.
“He was my first real long-term boyfriend. He would take his frustration out on some nearby object knowing it would scare me,” she says. “He made me feel horrible. He would threaten that the world would be better off without him and then he would make me feel bad for him so I would have to comfort and reassure him. I felt sorry for him.”
He exhibited a lot of the signs of an abusive boyfriend. Office of the Attorney General list includes: explosive anger; blaming others for problems; breaking or hitting things; putting the partner down; constantly checking up on partner; cruelty to animals or children; forcing sex on partner; hypersensitivity and inflexible and rigid patterns of behavior.
Because teenagers just forming romantic relationships are inexperienced with dating —they make take arm-grabbing, criticisms, and controlling behavior as a normal part of dating. If a boyfriend constantly calls to check up on them, they may see it as a show of love by him, when their whereabouts and movements are being controlled.
They may see his isolating them from their friends as just wanting to spend time with them and the possessiveness as a show of how much he loves. Because of the romantic notions they may have of love, teenagers looking for love may not know the difference between control and love.
“Why isn’t there more of that parenting in schools,” says Murphy-Milano. “Why aren’t we teaching those skills? The schools across America have become a huge babysitting industry for problems, but the schools need to try to get the resources to do more education within the schools for the kids.”
Teenage dating violence can add to the already difficult and confusing time teenagers have with their self-esteem and finding their own identity. Just like with women in abusive relationships, every harsh word or push and slap cuts to the core and leaves lasting scars that can diminish a person’s self-worth.
“I got emotionally scarred. After him, I couldn’t be touched by anyone. I didn’t trust anyone. I would take hour-long showers trying to wash the filth off myself. I was trying to wash away what ever was wrong with me that made me so repulsive. I was trying to wash away the guilt, the hurt and the memories.”
Fitting in is all part of teenage social building and forming relationships. Often in an abusive dating situation, they may look the other way to avoid being alone and may do anything to hold onto that boyfriend. Teenagers may remain silent even if they feel there is something not right about the relationship to keep that boyfriend or the set of friends connected to that boyfriend.
Teens with low self-esteem are more likely to stay in the relationship. Although the relationship may make them sad, they may believe that they can’t get another boyfriend or girlfriend or they can’t do any better.
“He made me doubt myself, and I became dependant on him—like he was the only one I could trust to be honest—like everyone else was out to get me and hurt me. I thought he was the only one who could ever love me,” says K.
Teenagers need to know that they need to end abusive relationships and tell someone of the abuse. In K.’s case, she really didn’t tell anyone until after the relationship ended, but she got the courage to end it when she found support in a new teenage friend. Afraid of her boyfriend, she waited until she was in another state over the summer and told him it was over.
“I ended it because I knew that someone who could make me feel that horrible and worthless didn’t love me. I realized this because I made very good friends with this guy over the summer and he didn’t treat me like crap,” she says.
It is important to educate teenagers about valuing themselves as well the warning signs of an abusive relationship so that they are able to choose better partners and form healthy relationships. Breaking the pattern now may prevent young women from carrying on the cycle of abuse behavior into adulthood. Teenagers need to know that violence while dating is not normal behavior and they do not need to take it. Staying in an abusive relationship could lead to death as 30% of all murdered teenage girls are killed by a current or former boyfriend (California Women’s Law Center, 1995). The reality is that young abusers are likely to grow up to be spouses who abuse.
Although K. still bares some of the scars from the two-year relationship, today, she’s in college and is involved in a loving relationship with another teen. She’s learning to open up about her emotional problems as she slowly regains her self-esteem and self-worth.
K wants to advise young women in her situation, “If you feel dirty or disgusting in your own skin and the other person wants you to accept everything as being your fault—that you deserve it—find someone you can trust and let them know what is going on. Get out of the relationship as soon as you can. Bad guys don’t change, they just get worse.”
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National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7223(SAFE)
