Domestic Violence: Behind Closed Doors
Copyright ©2006 Sure Woman.com/Dawn G. Prince

T.K. Jordan: Strength and courage are often birthed from ashes
By Dawn G. Prince

Growing up “normal”—a cheerleader, running track, getting good grades, in the midst of the chaos of domestic violence, it wasn’t until her late teens that T.K Jordan began to feel the effects of her turbulent childhood as she entered “the love game.” With her mother dead, pregnant at 18 and married 5 times by the time she was 34, she admits that running from man to man was a way of searching for “wholeness for my broken spirit, the spirit that had been so battered and shattered many years ago.” It took her years to realize that a man was not the source—to healing her fractured spirit. A writer, playwright, a mother of three and married for 3 years, she’s written, “Woman at The Well,” an inspirational story about her struggles in finding the source to quench her thirst for love and healing her battered spirit.

Dawn Prince: The opening of your book, "I can’t exactly remember what age I was when I started planning my escape. I mean it’s not like at age ten I could write out an escape route,” are powerful words that hit home about abuse through the eyes of a child. What was it like lying in bed, waiting for the beating to begin?

T.K. Jordan: It's sad to say but it became so routine that it almost seemed normal. I didn't wonder if it would happen, just at what time the fireworks would kick off that night.

Was your father an angry man?

Angry doesn't even begin to describe my father at that time in his life. Angry is nice compared to how he was. But what I grew to understand that as mean as he was, he was also a victim. Yeah, I know that's shocking! As a child, my father watched his mother being beaten and abused repeatedly, for years by his father.

Did you ever get hit in the process of trying to protect your mother?

One night we were in the kitchen. My mother was about 5 months pregnant with my brother and my dad started throwing things at her. So I jumped in front of her and allowed everything he threw to hit me, in an effort to protect not only my mother, but also my unborn brother.

Why did your mother stay when you were already planning your escape at ten?

I don't know. I honestly don't have all of the answers. My mother had grabbed us a many nights and rushed us to the car and tried to leave only to get in the car then see my father standing on the porch with wires from under the hood dangling in his hand. I think that she left when she felt she could. It is important to me that people know that we feel that our mother did the best that she could at the time. I love her very much, and I am proud to tell her story. To let her and women in situations like her know that we will not forget and that we are not insensitive to their pain.

Children love their parents unconditionally. Did you love your father even though he beat your mother?

I not only loved my father, but I love him today. My father has never even said that he was sorry for how he treated my mother. He has come a long way since those days. Forgiveness is the key to being free from people that have hurt you terribly.

When your mother died, drinking to drown the pain— you wrote that you couldn’t think of a better place for her. Were you comforted by the fact that she would now find peace?

She was only 36 years old and she had endured so much pain in those 36 years, so yes, I guess I prayed that now she would be in a place of rest, a place of peace! But I'm so glad that I now know that you don't have to die, or allow someone to kill you physically, emotionally or spiritually to get Peace! To "Get Past the Pain!" You have a choice! It is in your control…my mother was a Christian woman who played the piano for our church. I do feel that she gave up and started using alcohol as a means to dull the pain in her life. But I also know that just like all of us today, my mother had a choice! But she was not strong enough at the time to choose life.

Your pain is multi-faceted, watching your mother’s abuse, losing her at 15 and losing your own spirit. I can’t imagine the psychological effect on your life.

The grace of God covers. I can honestly say that I had every right to be crazy, deranged and in a psyche ward. But God! I didn't have time for that! I had my daughter when I was 18, so my nervous breakdown had to wait! And during that wait, I learned to give my problems to someone that truly had the power to solve them, and then one day, I didn't even feel the need to break down! We as women are strong. We are natural survivors.

How devastating is domestic violence on children who witness it?

The most devastating bruises are not the black eyes, etc. it is not the ones we can see, because they heal. But the most detrimental bruises are those damaging blows to the spirit of that child.

What was your self-esteem like as a child?

As a child my self-esteem was fine. I've had the same group of girlfriends for the past 25 yrs. We've been there for each other in an awesome way! As an adult, once I entered the “Love Game,” I had issues with fear of loneliness and abandonment that probably came from my childhood. I do believe that these issues had a lot of negative effects on my decisions where men were concerned.

Married five times by the time you were 34, you were obviously looking for something you couldn’t get from somebody else until you fixed your own broken spirit from within. What was the moment that changed things?

There were many moments; I knew that there was a problem long before I was willing to do anything about it! The bottom line is I got tired of being sick and tired! I believe that we all have the power to change our situations, but you've really got to want to change.

What were you looking for?

That's a great question, not just for me but also for all women. Because if you don't know what you're looking for, you will settle for anything! I did not know what I was looking for, so I settled. You will never be happy if you settle. Now, I know that what I was looking for was wholeness for my broken spirit, the spirit that had been so battered and shattered many years ago. I was looking for healing, for true love. The love that I was looking for could never have come from a MAN. They just did not possess that much power! And I needed a lot of power!

How did your childhood affect your view of men?

I love men. After all I've been through, I am a romantic at heart. I still believe that there are good men in this world, caring men, men that know how to love and respect women. My father was “One Man” the man that put his hands on me was “One Man.” It would be unfair for me to punish “mankind” by not affording them the opportunity to know me! You got to love yourself, and be your biggest promoter!

The effects of your childhood, obviously, manifested itself in you going from relationship to relationship?

Running from relationship to relationship, man to man, marriage to marriage is a neon sign that a person is confused, searching. I know that all relationships are not going to last forever, but the key is to allow yourself to be healed and whole before you go into another one.

Were these relationships abusive?

Out of these 5 relationships two of them were abusive; there was only one incident in both of those marriages. I think that it is so important for women to know that if a man hits you once, he will do it again, UNLESS, there is some intervention and he gets help. I do believe that there are good programs out there that can offer assistance to both the abuser and the abused.

You took an oath that you would never let a man hit you. At the first slap, you left.

It happened, never to the extent of my mother’s abuse. It only took one slap, one push for me to get my bags and hit the road. That was an area that I was not emotionally able to take with a man. I left for his protection more than for mine! I didn't know when I might snap and start making restitution for my mother’s pain!

Imagine for a moment, the first time you were hit by a man, how did you feel?

First there was shock! I just couldn't believe that it happened to me. Then it was just a deep pain. Not on the outside—but a pain within—a broken spirit.

Your mother tried to quench her thirst with alcohol; you are now quenching yours with the most glorious water: faith. It must still be a healing process for you?

The one thing that God told me when I started writing this book was that it would be used as a vehicle to usher in healing and deliverance to millions across this Nation! But that that healing would start with ME! A lot of times when I'm doing a speaking engagement we often do a dramatization of the Preface of the book which describes a night that my mother is being abused, and I’m still shocked when I feel the tears roll down my face as I read that explosive excerpt.

How thirsty were you?

Anytime someone can have five husbands and still not be satisfied it is apparent that that person is pretty thirsty! I mean how many men does it take? But I boldly say that I will never thirst again because I found out that they never possessed what I was thirsting for. Ladies, the "MAN" is not your source, now they are wonderful resources, capable of giving love, strength, and protection. But they are not the "Source."

Do you speak out against domestic violence?

Every chance I get! It is so important that people hear this story and know that you can survive! I am embarking on a “Woman at the Well, Get Past the Pain!” tour right now and that invite is not only to youth, women/singles ministries or organizations but also to domestic violence organizations. We also have a “He/She Loved Me To Death College Tour” that we are booking for now which also was birthed from “Woman at the Well.”

Are you honoring your mother?

I am honoring her by telling a portion of her story that many thought was buried 22 years ago with her. I am also honoring my mother by living the best life that I can, by achieving all that she would have hoped for me and by letting others in her similar situation know that greatness is often birthed from ashes.

Back to Beginning of Series

Top
Back To The Cover      
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7223(SAFE)