Domestic Violence: Behind Closed Doors
Copyright ©2006 Sure Woman.com/Dawn G. Prince
Why Women Stay in Abusive Relationship
Often said with a tone of blame, “Why doesn’t she leave?” is the question asked most frequently by those trying to understand why women stay in abusive relationships.
“This is not an easy question to answer,” says Susan Murphy-Milano, a nationally recognized relationship expert. “Abuse is not a "one size fits all" solution. Like our fingerprints, no two cases of abuse are the same.”
Experts say while women need to find strength to leave an abusive relationship, it’s rarely as simple as weakness, but a host of situational, emotional and personal ideological reasons that keep them tethered to the relationship. A list of reasons include lack of emotional support, no money, guilt, nowhere to turn, used to living with violence, still loving the man, personal beliefs, shame and fear of being judged and fear of the partner and the unknown.
Of the emotional factors, it is usually fear that keeps her tethered to him. The fear is because the abuser repeatedly threatens to kill her if she ever leaves him, or that he will commit suicide and it would be her fault. Some even threaten to hurt other family members. For the victim, these threats are real—as the abuser usually works on intimidation and control tactics.
“If my Mom were able to speak to you she would tell you that she feared for the lives of she and her children and that's why she stayed in the abusive relationship for so many years,” says Murphy-Milano whose father killed her mother and then himself.
Women often have strong emotional ties to the batterer and the relationship, such as still loving them, and because of the imbalance of power, she may be dependant on him. There may be guilt about a failed relationship, not believing in divorce, and believing things can change. But the latter is usually wishful thinking as domestic violence follows a pattern and rarely just ever happens once. It is a cycle of tension, violence and then the calm where the batterer apologizes and promises that it won’t happen again. Almost half of men who beat their partners do so at least three times a year, according to the American Medical Association (AMA, 1994).
Jade, whose common-law husband beats her, then, cries, begs and brings her flowers and the kids presents after every episode, gets sentimental looking at the family photos. At this point, it’s easy for him to worm his way back into her life. She forgets the broken jaw in two spots, the wires in her mouth, the swollen face, and that she can't eat a real meal for three weeks. Ironically, the broken jaw has left a scar that looks like a dimple along her jaw line.
Like Jade, there are women who stay because violence has always been a normal part of their relationship, and they don’t see themselves as victims. To them, even the most severe beating is just another fight. After a while, they become immune and conditioned to it. But why would a woman take back a man who's caused her numerous injuries? Her exasperated sister can recite the reasons because she's heard them so many times.
"She accepts him for all of his flaws because she loves him and they share so much history—they've been together for 12 years...she says that he is her best friend. They do everything and nothing together...she feels very comfortable with him. I also think she's afraid to be by herself—a single parent, you know?"
Studies show that more than half of the women stayed because they feared that they could not support themselves and their children (Women’s Rural Advocacy Program, WRAP). Often, the abuser controls the money or the woman doesn’t work or make enough. She worries that she will end up homeless if she tries to go it alone, and she may believe that children should have two parents.
Teresa Brouwer, 39, a mother of 3 girls and ten years in an abusive relationship says, “I was afraid to leave because I was truly unprepared financially and emotionally. I only had a high-school diploma and I wasn't working.”
The majority of women in abusive relationships stay because of concerns for their children. The woman may also fear that he might charge her with kidnapping if she left with them. She may fear that he will kidnap them or sue for custody. As part of the control, batterers usually threaten to take away the children. More than 50% of child abductions result from domestic violence (WRAP).
Teresa continues, “I also feared losing my children. Although "deep down" I knew that the courts would never award the kids to him, I always had this feeling that he would kidnap them or do something totally off the wall.”
A lot of times women settle for their situation because they feel there is no way out. “As a victim of abuse, you become helpless and you feel hopeless and stuck,” says Monica. It may be that she lacks emotional support and fears that she won’t be believed. For some, it’s daunting to step into the world without a safety net because they don’t know where to start to find help and may be isolated and without access to essential services.
Some may have had unpleasant experiences with services such as shelters and police. Monica says the police were not effective in her situation. “Many times they did not come, and I had to repeatedly call them back. Throughout my 5 years of this relationship, I probably only called them on 5 - 7 incidents.”
Three quarters of all physical assaults by intimates weren’t reported because the majority of victims thought the police would not or could not help them, according to a July 2000 national survey by National Violence Against Women (NVAW).
The reasons why a woman stays with her batterer are as varied and complex as there are cases of domestic violence, but a common thread is blame and shame—women sometimes blame themselves for the abuse and for not leaving the relationship sooner and are ashamed because of the stigma of “letting somebody hit you.”
“Blame is a five letter word, so is the word Victim,” says Murphy-Milano. “We are quick to blame and point fingers and we readily accept the role as victim.”
Monica agrees more than anything there was always concern about what others would think, blaming herself for the decisions she’d made and feeling “ashamed when you hear other women say that if it was them, they wouldn’t put up with it or didn't you see this before you married him?”
Monica says that women shouldn’t be “criticized for not leaving or going back to the relationship because abuse changes you. Abuse makes you helpless and it affects your mind where you can’t think straight.”
Murphy-Milano sums it when she says, “Our society does not make it easy for anyone to say "I need help" or "I am a victim of abuse or a broken relationship", when there is so much contempt for weakness and submissiveness.”
Next: The Effects of Domestic Violence
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National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7223(SAFE)
