By Dr. Charmaine Saunders

Charmaine Saunders

W omen’s lives have changed so much in the last few decades that it has touched not only us but Society, men, children and the world. Once men had all the power and then women demanded some and now no-one has any! Look at the state of the world in 2002 and tell me if anyone, even politicians and world leaders, have any real power. No, the world is unrecognisable from where it was 5 or 10 years ago and the role of women keeps evolving and changing too. The first obvious difference is in the amount of choice a woman now has as compared to the lives of our mothers and grandmothers. We demanded equal rights and more autonomy then we were given total freedom and that’s the scariest gift of all. So, how are women faring in the world today and what are our primary concerns and issues? What did we gain in our radical though bloodless revolution?

I’ve always been fascinated by the concept of personal power, the way it operates in relationships and how we achieve it and then hang on to it. Do some women still feel powerless in the world today? Too right. And yet do many men think women have got too much power already? Yes again. Let’s examine some of the areas where change has been most apparent and see if we’ve gained or lost, what is the death toll and how can we salvage something positive from what is left behind? Women still want to be wives and mothers - in general - but they don’t want this job to be theirs alone anymore. Where women in the past jealously guarded their territory like possessive felines, today’s woman is happy for hubby to don an apron and help with the cooking and not just at barbies either. It’s heartening to see so many men taking children out on their own nowadays and, at home, diving happily into roles hitherto only a female’s province. I don’t personally think it’s done men any harm to become SNAGS. It’s called sharing, teamwork, partnership, all the things that marriage is supposed to be about.

So, no complaints there, right? What are the women doing while hubby is busy in the kitchen, nursery and laundry? They’re climbing the corporate ladder, sitting on boards, turning up in Paliament and in some countries, running the whole shebang! Even those who still opt for traditional jobs, in and out of the home, cannot escape the fickle finger of change. Economics dictate that only a minority of women can be full-time mothers these days and those who could afford to stay home might choose not to. The tendrils of influence that emerge from these decisions affect every section of society - the way children are raised, purchasing power and where it lies, who’s running our homes, are we creating more jobs or taking them away from those who really need them, are there sufficient care facilities to cope with the increase in demand, have women gained or lost more in this new world order? These are just some of the tantalising questions. Yes, women are more fully empowered but it’s individual spiritual power I’m interested in - otherwise, what good is increased wealth, better lifestyle or more social status? These only represent false security. If a woman is to resist falling into the `superwoman’ trap of running on the treadmill as fast as she can in order to fulfil all her duties as wife, mother, career woman, she must keep an eye on the real prize, the real power, which comes through joy, integrity, true fulfilment, peace and the success of being a happy person.

I mentioned choice earlier on and that is a vital component of empowerment, not just accepting the changes that society has wrought but to embrace personal challenges in a spirit of adventure and growth. Perhaps we women have grown more selfish in recent years, perhaps it’s true that compromise, sacrifice and even commitment have become dirty words in our vocabulary. The trouble is we were so hungry, we became greedy when suddenly what we craved became available - that whole smorgasbord of goodies that had eluded us for so long. Now it is essential that we pace ourselves so as not to gorge on the delights to the point of sickness. We need to get back to basics - to crafts, to cooking, to children, to creative pursuits, to home and hearth. Why should the men have all the fun!

I’m not suggesting that we undo the women’s movement and go back to emotional/domestic slavery and limited life-experience but I just think we need to monitor what we have lost in the process of gain. If we are killing ourselves on the altars of materialism and worldly success then we have become our fathers and grandfathers and lost the tenderness and simplicity of our mothers and grandmothers. Let’s keep alive the magic of being women with all that implies. So - how? Alongside our male counterparts, we must keep excessive stress at bay, we must take time out and maintain balance in all areas of life, we must nurture our bodies and feed our minds, be aware of our needs and most importantly, play! Adults forget the importance of play in the hubbub of routine and busyness. We need to laugh every day, relax, dance, sing, pursue hobbies and enrich our lives with variety. This one strategy alone goes a long way towards keeping us grounded and in the moment, neither lost in the mists of the past nor striding too far into the ambitions of the future. Keeping it simple is a good motto for sanity.

When people ask me what the key difference is between men and women in terms of 21st century stress, I always say that men are more single-minded in their goals and women are more multi-faceted - we tend to wear more hats and interchange them frequently.

This juggling of roles can cause a great deal of pressure and confusion. Am I a wife first, a mother or an executive/ doctor/ clerk, or maybe my primary role is still that of daughter and what about sister, friend and neighbour? Some days, it feels as if everyone wants a piece of each one of us, leaving us shredded and certainly less than whole. Wholeness is vital - to feel it and to stay centred in it, no matter what duty calls or who else needs something. The good old `saying no’ is still a handy skill to have, in fact, more necessary than ever.

All I’m really saying is that women have to adapt to the changes in the world. We can’t be everything to everyone anymore and yes, maybe that’s a big loss but as Helen Reddy said in her famous song, `I am Woman’ - `but look how much I’ve gained.’ Freedom, liberation, release - these are the legacies of the women’s revolution but they have to be prized and used carefully. There’s no need to discard men in this process - we quite like them, don’t we? But now we have to the opportunity to walk side by side, not several paces behind so let’s not stride ahead either. The best can be achieved by co-operation.

We’ve had the revolution; it’s now time for rebuilding. Is there still work to be done? Yes. Is there absolute female equality in the world? No, but there is no other kind either - not really. People are not born equal! Through circumstances of birth, genetic endowment, intellectual capacity, physical appearance, spiritual gifts and a hundred other factors, some of us are more gifted than others but we are all `perfect’ beings nevertheless so why not stop trying to prove ourselves every waking hour of every day? Why don’t we just get on with it? Think of the relief, the wellbeing, the joy that would flow from a decision like that.

It’s not selfish to set personal priorities high on the agenda. The media is finally reflecting some of these new views. Two recent advertisements come into mind. One is for a well-known brand of frozen foods and shows a couple preparing one of these meals just for themselves when their son turns up unexpectedly. He watches his mother fixing the food and is obviously angling for some. When it’s done, he says, `That looks easy, Mum’ and she replies, `Good, there’s another packet in the freezer.’ No self-respecting Mum in a 60s ad would’ve made her son cook his own. She would’ve smiled sweetly, sat him down, given him her meal and started cooking another one for herself.

The other ad is along similar lines but for a wash powder. The son lives away from home, calls round and dumps a large bag of dirty laundry off on his Mum and leaves again. The ad shows his mother turning up at his place the next day with the same laundry bag which she hands back to the guy. When he opens up the bag, expecting to find fresh clean washing, he finds instead his old dirty clothes and a box of the advertiser’s detergent - clear message: do your own, it’s easy. It only took us till the 2000s to let mothers know it’s okay not to do everything for their children, to let them be independent and guess what, it doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad woman. Priorities, remember? Your own are important too. It’s okay to go to the gym instead of driving your kids to their sporting commitments, it’s okay to occasionally miss a speech day, it’s okay not to cook tea every single night. It’s just not healthy to swing either way. The pendulum is allowed to return to the middle now we’ve tested both sides. We don’t have to sacrifice anything; we just have to make judicious choices. We can have it all but perhaps not in every moment and it will take its toll and we will get tired and cranky and God forbid, we won’t always be nice.

As with so many things, it comes down to self-esteem. If you value yourself, you will want fulfilling work, positive relationships, expansive experiences, time to rest and relax and just be, fun and laughter and leisure and yes, the right to choose how and when to do things, how much you’re prepared to give and when it’s time to stop giving, the power to have it all or have nothing. It is your life, after all. In the past, it wasn’t only individual men who dominated women, any more than all men today are nice or all men are tyrants - it was society and society is made up of all of us, men and women. So, if you don’t like something, change it, if there is injustice in your community, fix it - you have the power. I have never felt disempowered by being a woman. I’ve made bad choices and paid the price, I’ve been hurt and I’ve been unfairly treated but I have never been a victim. Being a victim is a choice too, albeit an unconscious one. It comes down to these two things - being a victim or knowing your own power. I hope you will always choose the latter and if it’s the right kind of power, it never abuses or damages or dominates.

Many women are choosing these days to stay single or if they marry, not to have children. There are so many more lifestyle choices these days and I usually say that the late 20th century was characterised by three `c’ words in terms of women - challenge, choice, change. Take up the challenge of being your own person, make self-loving, not self-defeating, choices and embrace changes that fulfil you personally and enhance your relationships.

What then is the true power of women? It is to embrace all that is wonderful about being a woman, being able to iron, write a best-selling novel, cook a stew and lecture a child all in the same breath, being able to smile and be strong in the greatest tempest not out of martyrdom but out of courage, being a loyal and staunch friend to males, other females, children, animals, strangers, enemies because she knows she has nothing to fear and most of all, be her own best friend. My advice is - make time to kiss your child goodnight when you get home from work or bake a cake or weed a garden, don’t be afraid to take a day off just to play and always connect with the best parts of your complex nature. You don’t have to be a slave to anyone or anything anymore so don’t put the chains on yourself. Value your liberty - our sisters in the past fought long and hard for it - but don’t become strident, aggressive or cold. Femininity is not a dirty word - remember FloJo who ran with all her make-up and her dangly earrings on? Lipstick has its place equally in the boardroom as in the bedroom. Be intelligent but not arrogant, ambitious but not ruthless, tough but not hard.

This is a fabulous time in history to be a woman because you can be a shaker and mover in your own right, you can really make your mark and not just as a support person. It’s still `the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world’ but now you can have your own identity. Stand up and be counted, be proud. You have finally arrived.

About the author: Dr Charmaine Saunders is a therapist, columnist, lecturer, media personality and author of 6 self-help books. Her web site is at www.charmainesaunders.com

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