"R
ight now, I'm so lost, I don't know what to do anymore. I've gone to the police station down here twice and they are pro- military, which means...anyone that is serving or served in the military are TOPS to them. There are other men I've talked to and it seems they all stick together up here. I feel so trapped, but I know it's my own fault for being so stupid just like he tells me I am. As for right now, he's got me exactly where he wants me....TRAPPED!!!!
My counselor is on vacation right now until next Thursday. He told me that once I do get out of here, if I can find a way, that he accepts Medicaid so that I can still see him. He told me that Jim (name changed) is very dangerous and to be really careful. I am so scared. I'm at the frozen stage of feeling I can't do anything, not even things I'm interested in. Jim is destroying me to no end. I can't deal with this much longer. What little strength I had left is about gone.
He got really mad at me the other day after he told me not to do anything with the money in the bank until he paid the bills. I waited until he did that, then when he went shopping at Walmart, I figured he was through and so I went and got a money order to pay the child support payment (which was next to the last one). He blew up at me for doing that. I just made the last payment yesterday with what little bit of money I had saved up in my personal account. So, now that's paid in full. He doesn't know about that.
I don't know for sure that I will get the SSI, but I sure hope so, because right now, and for a good while, I just can't seem to function very good. I'm trying to play it cool here around him in order to stay alive.
[The counselor's secretary called]. She's a really nice person and we went ahead and set up my appointment for Monday at 2pm instead of having to wait until Thursday. God, I'm really losing it and don't know what to do. I even talked to my pastor (the one that baptized me) and he was of no help. He acted as though he didn't care. What is it with people these days? I don't understand. Right now, I just want to curl up and die.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to tell you all this stuff, so I'll stop. Well, guess I better go for now. I won't be able to write again until Monday. He's off this week-end. I’m trying my very best to hold on. Please help me if you can and have time as I know you are very busy. I love you dearly, more than my own life.
I pray to you Dear God in Heaven to give me Strength, Courage, Wisdom, Peace and Hope!
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