I
t took some time for me to realize that the woman I am today is a direct result of all that I have experienced in this lifetime.
This awareness has come about as I reflect upon the more unpleasant aspects of the experiences I have been through, that brought about the desire to want to be more. I spent much of this life stuck in circumstances and situations that bit by bit, piece by piece chipped away at the person I wasn't in order to free me from myself.
I had to lose myself completely...in order to finally find myself. It didn't come about in a flash of an awareness, more in the slow process of understanding that comes about through healing...
Through healing of the inner spirit.
Who I am is who I have always been, but it was me and me only that wasn't willing to participate in that particular role. I allowed others to dictate my worth, steer my course in life and determine my value.
I didn't know any other way... I didn't know I had a choice. I allowed myself to become what others wanted me to be, because I was too afraid to be who I was. Somewhere along this path in life, my inner spirit which was such a powerful aspect of who I was as a little girl, became silenced by the voices, opinions and ideas of others.
I became lost... very lost and I forget how to speak up for myself.
I forgot that I was important.
I forgot I was worthy.
I forgot I did deserve better.
I forgot I was more then the life I lived.
I forgot who I was.
Through this process, this life, this existence I feel fortunate to have the capacity of understanding to reflect upon the events of my life that brought me to the here and now. I feel grateful for every moment of pain that these situations produced, because it pushed, pulled and tugged me in every direction possible in order to find relief from the pain.
The wounds of my life allowed me to seek out a solution to ease the inner discomfort. My solution came about through the process of finally becoming willing to discover who it was that I really I am, who I have always been and who I am no longer willing to settle being.
I am in no way totally free of the burden of shame and guilt that exists within the memories of my past, but I am no longer driven by the pain of my past in which I continue to re-create the pain in the present.
But it still comes up...
I think that is when I discover how much I have changed from the lost little girl I was for so long into the strong, woman I am today. My past is always there waiting and watching for the opportunity to spring out of my mind and tempt me to act out the role I once played....but I won't.
I have a choice today.
When the fear slams into my stomach.
When the insecurities flare hot.
When the anger threatens to consume me.
When the hurt just hurts.
It's okay.
I can cry if I want.
I can say it hurts.
I can say I am afraid.
I'm allowed to feel it all.
I'm supposed to.
It's what make me... me.
It's the subtle reminder I will always have with me that reminds me of who I wish to never be again. A simple, yet powerful message from the universe at large that allows me to know that the journey of my life is one that has a greater rhyme and reason that I can conceive at any given moment in time.
But with each step forward... I begin to see the bigger picture that encompasses everything and I know that no matter what I will be okay.
As long as I chose to be me.
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Life and Times
