I discovered is to "live differently" you have to make different choices in essentially the same circumstances that first caused pain...
Letting Go of Old Beliefs and Welcoming Peace
By Kelly Ballard
O
ver the years I've "done a lot of work" on my spirituality and emotional well-being. Even creating a private practice vested in this pursuit. I have been compelled to live "differently" than my family of origin. Amusingly, what I discovered is to "live differently" you have to make different choices in essentially the same circumstances that first caused pain...perplexed? Let me explain...
Throughout my life I have prided myself (should have been my first clue) in not being competitive - like the rest of the family. Both my parents were coaches and teachers - intense competitors ultimately ending in an ugly divorce and my brother was a fantastic athletic with a keen desire "to win at all costs." So, I turned my back on all things to do with sports and competition - not me. You wouldn't catch me screaming at the TV, radio, team member, players because my team didn't win. I was better than that...or was I? I came to discover my competitive streak lay in the covert - I am most competitive with myself and how I "should" be.
A few summers ago, my family (me, my husband & 2 kids) were getting ready to go away on a Church family camping trip. Unfortunately there was a miscommunication between my husband and myself and he picked up the kids before all the packing was complete. If you have ever tried to get ready for a trip with two small children underfoot you can imagine my irritation...No, I was mad - how could he do this? Is he a complete idiot? I couldn't let it go.
I forgot to pack things we wanted or needed on the trip and I blamed him. I got madder with each mile as we drove closer to the Church family retreat. It's about this time I started to think maybe I was crazy. How could I get so angry about this?
Why?
I realized "why" the next day as I walked the labyrinth in the woods. I wanted to be perfect - the perfect Mom who remembers all the right "stuff" to bring on the trip - filling needs before they are known. Everyone could see how "good" I was at mothering. I would be one of "those" Moms who had it all together. Wow - I was competitive, but in covert - the most destructive kind, manipulative and desperate. I kind of laughed when I really saw the magnitude and its destructive impulses in my life. In that moment - I made a change.
I immediately apologized to my husband, again, for my lousy behavior/attitude and I was grateful. It was like I pulled a mask off unseen forces in my life that were now, no longer able to sabotage at will. I took myself down from a pedestal I created to survive an unhealthy dynamic. I now allow myself to be competitive in healthy ways - goals, exercise...and I let myself play with competition through games and races.
Competition is a useful tool in so many ways; motivation, success, growth and now, even fun. So I do live in a "different" home than of my origin, but the surprise is - peace came through expansion and acceptance of competition. Not it's exclusion, but it's balance.
Kelly Ballard is a workshop leader, Intuitive Guide and Healer. Through workshops, private sessions and guided meditations Kelly specializes in helping others discover positive solutions for immediate change/growth in their lives thus drawing their most abundant life into reality. Find out more information about her services and meditation CDs at http://www.kellyballard.com Contact her directly at 720-984-4232 or email kelly@kellyballard.com She lives in Boulder, CO.
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