Mind and Spirit                                    Archives

Without A Net
Freeing Up My Fears

©2006 Dawn Gale Prince/SureWoman.com

M any people are held hostage by their fears of stepping outside of themselves and into their real lives. In my case, I think that it was my fear of change and failure. I was afraid of failing at love and life, and it paralyzed me into leading a very unremarkable life.

I didn't write anything seriously because I believed I had nothing to say. I was unhappy in my job, but I didn't know how to get a new one. I wanted to see the world, but I couldn't bring myself to get a driver's license or step onto a plane. I wanted love, but I was afraid to put my heart out there. And so, I settled for a stagnant life, living in a swirl of fear of being recognized because I wasn't quite sure of the woman I was.

My liberation from that life came when I lost my job. I looked around and realized that I was petrified. For the first time, I recognized my fear as something other than familiarity; I was afraid of change. I was afraid of losing my apartment because nobody would hire me. The idea of having to be judged on a job interview made me sick. I stayed with my old job for almost 15 years because I was afraid of leaving that safety zone.

But, the rules of life as I knew them had changed, and it was either sink with my fears and move back home with my lively parents, or show the world what I had. At first, I opted for sinking because I didn’t know how not to be afraid. I didn’t know how to start over. I took four months off, and lazed around the apartment being angry, nonchalant and relieved until I got tired of it.

I was tired of living inside of my head and wanted to live for real. I set a deadline to start job hunting. On that date, I put my best face forward and put on a suit for the first time in my life. I was floating from the exhilaration of breathing in the world again, be it with shaking knees and sweaty palms. But I didn’t let them see me sweat. I got the job in the first twenty minutes of the interview. It wasn't my dream job, but the point is that my fears about the situation were unwarranted.

Losing that job was the best thing that ever happened to me as I had to step outside of my safety zone and put myself out into the world without the net of familiarity. The stomach aches about being unemployed were symptoms of all that was wrong with my life. I was afraid of facing the world without a net. And like most people, I didn’t realize that opting not to live my life fully was the biggest failure of all because I wasn’t living authentically. Now, I see that living in fear of failure was failing to live at all.

Since stepping out of the brown paper bag, I have taken University courses, stepped on a plane about four times. I wear red! I survived the dreaded job interview twice. I moved 600 miles from Canada to the United States and I got married. I am writing again and have started a website celebrating women. I have just learned how to breathe on my own and the indifference with which I looked at life was replaced with a zest for exploring all that it has to offer. It began with giving myself permission to fail and to be all the things that I can be without that fear.

To some none of this is remarkable, but I feel as if I am three-quarters of the way into my first marathon. Just the other day, I picked up a drivers manual, and the funniest feeling came over me, and I found myself laughing at the silliness of it all...how I can feel liberated at such a small thing.

They are small victories, but they are my own. I have begun to free up my fears and embrace the changes that are taking place. But, it is only now that I am learning, as George Eliot says, "it is never too late to see what you could have been."

©2006 Dawn Gale Prince/SureWoman.com

Back To The Cover      
Back To Mind and Spirit