Women's Interests

The Power of Permission
By Jacqueline Wales

G ive yourself PERMISSION to be what you want to be; do what you want to do, become who you were meant to be.

We limit our self-expression when we ask other people's permission to be who we were meant to be.

Take Responsibility and take a R.I.S.K . That's the power of PERMISSION.

R.I.S.K means Respect your Intention using Support and Kourage to get you where you want to go.

Every day there are dozens of distractions, excuses and evasions that stop us from doing what we want to do. The wee small voice inside that says you really should; you absolutely could; and you must, gets swallowed up in the doubts, the fears and the refusals to heed the call for action.

Being able to STOP this merry-go-round of endless demands and limitations on you means first of all, giving yourself PERMISSION to say NO! This sets boundaries that honor and respect YOU.

We are too quick to say YES and often we actually mean NO. It's the smallest word in our vocabulary and yet the impact is enormous. We say maybe when we mean NO. We don't want to offend when we say YES and mean NO. We're afraid of someone's reaction and we say YES. We want to keep everyone happy, not upset the status quo, and end up feeling resentful and frustrated because the people in our lives just don't understand that we are working too damned hard for their pleasure.

NO is one of the most empowering words in the English language. It allows you stand up for yourself. Stand up with integrity. Stand up for what you believe in. It gives you the power. It sets your boundaries and gives you a feeling of self-esteem. No means you are taking care of yourself.

Saying NO when you are in a confrontation is a powerful thing to do. You are in charge. You are not giving your power away. You are being I'm Power(ed).

No is also a powerful example to your children if you have any. You model giving PERMISSION to them. They grow up understanding that there are boundaries and they can set them. You are the role model for your children. Giving yourself PERMISSION is the first step to creating the life you want by loving yourself first.

The damage done by refusing to say NO is evident in the depression that shows up in women's lives.

It is estimated that 17 percent of the U.S. population (between 5-12 percent of men and 10-20 percent of women) will suffer from a major depressive episode at least once in their lifetime.

In North America, women are 1.7 to 3.0 times more likely than men to experience depression during their lifetime, and one in every four women is likely to experience severe depression.

The causes of depression in women are not primarily biological (as was once believed), but are of a variety of biological, social, and psychological origins. For example, infertility, miscarriages, and surgical menopause can all cause depressive symptoms in women. Mothers of young children tend to be very vulnerable to depression; in fact, the more children a woman has, the more likely it is that she will be depressed.

Study done at M.I.T 2000

Amanda was depressed for months and didn't know it. Every time there was a confrontation with her husband, who was a demanding man, she wanted to say NO but swallowed the word because she was afraid he would leave her. One day she found herself on the floor in the closet in tears, ripping apart a silk blouse she treasured, with no idea how depressed she was.

She found help and as she explored her feeling, Resentment and frustration were at the core. She felt no one respected who she was. In fact, she was sure no one even saw her for who she was. But the difficult thing for Amanda was she didn't realize how everything she did was dependent upon PERMISSION from other people. She was always asking if it was okay before she took the first step.

Getting Amanda past this obstacle was the key to helping her with her depression. Eventually, she would say NO to her husbands demands and he didn't leave and more importantly, she allowed her children to see her as someone who could make a decision that was good for her. She gave herself the respect she needed.

One of the biggest issues in my own life is control. I'm sure there are plenty of you reading this who can relate. Giving up that control means saying NO to myself and letting other people take over the responsibilities. The problem for me was the feeling no one did the job as well as me! Can you relate? Women know this syndrome only too well. The opposite side of the coin was I complained that I was doing too much. Because I didn't delegate the responsibilities enough, I said YES when I should have said NO. This became evident during a big move from Amsterdam to New York.

In the middle of the move from a house in Amsterdam to an apartment in New York, I told myself that I had already done enough packing and organizing of our household stuff. I had spent two months of night and day activity making sure the boxes were packed correctly, the extra furniture and household effects were sold or given away, and the family was taken care of. I actually considered doing a Thanksgiving dinner for friends the night before we moved!!! Talk about insanity!

I had just finished a conversation with my coach about how well I had done in getting everything organized and that although I was exhausted, it felt good to have all the parts in place. I told her my husband was busy working on his wine collection and I knew that it was none of my business. I had done enough. He could figure it out for himself. Well, within one hour I had completely forgotten what I had told her and myself.

He was having trouble fitting a case inside a cardboard box because it was too small. I couldn't help myself. He asked if I would help and I said YES.

I went down into the cellar with a box and it was too small, so I returned upstairs to find something larger and on my way down the narrow wooden Dutch stairs with the empty box in hands, my feet slipped from under me. Now, I am trained in martial arts and know how I'm supposed to land, but stairs are an aggressive enemy and there was no saving myself here. What came next was not a pretty sight and I landed heavily. When the bruising set in, my ass looked like I had a huge black bar code across my right cheek and I swear you could have run me through the checkout at the supermarket and found a price. An extremely high price.

I was in Control? It was his job, not mine! I didn't listen! Every part of me was screaming NO!!! It is now a year since that accident and I have not fully recovered, but I learned the hard way that you control what's yours and leave everyone else to their own stuff.

Setting boundaries and honoring our feelings is part of giving yourself PERMISSION to live the life you want. We all have people in our lives that trespass on our boundaries, but mostly it is because we allow them to. We ignore or stuff our feelings and don't let them know when it is not appropriate. We do it in our business, in our home and with our friends.

When we get clear about what is good for us we honor what we are. We take care of our spirits and our bodies. We begin to feel good about what we do in the world and who we are to ourselves. We live a life filled with integrity.

Giving ourselves PERMISSION to step outside the box is critical to making changes in our lives. You know that you'll meet opposition. Any change is threatening to those who are used to things being a certain way, including yourself.

Be willing to step outside your comfort zone. Give yourself the PERMISSION to take the next step. Take ACTION that serves your needs. Honor who you are. You've been playing safe for too long and it's time to get up and boogie.

When you were a child you knew how to have fun. You still do. Did you know that children laugh out loud on average 44 times a day? Adults laugh out loud about 4 or 5. Hmm! We're missing something here.

Give yourself permission to live the life you want to live. Be willing to step outside the comfort zone and move towards the dreams and goals you desire.

Some people make things happen, some watch things happen, while others wonder what happened. --Proverb

Give yourself PERMISSION each day to:

Say No more often
Talk with significant others about what is important to you
Learn something new
Honor your feelings
Set boundaries with the people in your life
Take care of your body
Give up some of the control and delegate responsibility
Have more fun
Read more books
Laugh more often

"The thing I hate most ….is asking permission to do things. What you really want to do is say, 'This is my need; this is what's going to get me further; this is what's going to be alive. I don't ever say, 'Do you mind if?' I just come in and do it." Lance Henrikson

Your life is filled with PASSION In what way do you give yourself PERMISSION?
In what way do you refuse yourself PERMISSION?
How can you do it differently?

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Fearless Fifties coach and speaker Jacqueline Wales shows you how to become the woman you were always meant to be; how to take risks to strengthen your beliefs about who you are and grow more confident, secure and strong as you develop the life you want. For your free copy of the Fearless Fifties newsletter and a bonus report Putting PASSION Back Into Your Life go to www.fearlessfifties.com

Please contact jacqueline@fearlessfifties.com or call (718) 502 9332

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The First Step
By Skye Thomas

oday is an anniversary of sorts for me. Three years ago today, I publicly launched Tomorrow’s Edge after years of getting ready, talking about how I was someday going to do it, and researching everything but advertising! It was a huge first step in the middle of a bunch of first steps that I had taken up to that point. Naturally, it fell flat on it’s face because of my lack of education in the marketing area. So, here I am three years later, better educated, dusted off, boot straps pulled up, repeating that first step. I take a deep breath, psyche myself up, wiggle my toes a bit, bend my knee, lift my foot, and sit back down with another cup of coffee…. Maybe in a minute or so.

Isn’t it funny how that first step gets to us? I’m not even scared this time. Heck, I wasn’t scared last time. It’s the only career I’ve ever really wanted with any kind of passion and fire. Why is it we choke up when taking first steps towards those really big goals that we love so dearly? Ever notice that when it’s something you don’t give a rip about, the freeze never happens? We freeze up when taking that first step towards something special, because now we have something of importance to fail at. It’s not the goal we’re afraid of, it’s the failing that scares us.

The key here is to start. So many people speak of a journey starting with a single step. It’s true. However, even if you have quit and are picking it back up again, at least the first step this time is farther along then the last time you started. For some of us, every single step towards success is so terrifying that it is a first step. Every step along the way towards our goal is a challenge. Keep in mind that each step is closer than the last one was. If you could do yesterday’s first step then surely you can do today’s first step because it is farther down the path. If you stop and look back over your shoulder, you’ll see that you’ve actually come quite a bit further than you’d realized. You will feel a greater sense of progress than you did yesterday.

It really doesn’t matter who you are or what you are trying to accomplish or who might not approve or what your current standing in the community is or anything else. What matters is that you get past the inner dialog that tells you those things do matter. No excuses are really valid. Our excuses are our first steps. “I do not have the capitol to start a business.” Then my first step is to get the capitol, rather than shelf the whole idea. “I do not know the first thing about building a house.” Then my first step is to get training. “I do not know how to read music.” Then my first step is to take a class. Make your excuses your first steps and watch your pride grow.

Remember to analyze each of those excuses like any other fear and make sure they are valid and worth becoming a step on your journey. It would be easy to get off track by taking care of your excuses instead of taking care of your dream. The point is to start taking action towards the life you have envisioned for yourself. “How is my attitude? Am I in charge or is my fear?”

What if you’re scared to death of your next step and you want to step away from that fear? You just want a quiet moment to breathe without the fear. Did you step forward to breathe or did you step backwards? Did you sidestep? Remember this when stepping away from fear. Is the step away from fear also away from your dream? Is the step away from fear bringing you closer to your dream?

So many of us have been taught to dive in headfirst and attack our goals like we are some sort of mighty warrior gone to battle. We run full steam ahead without wisdom to temper our actions. This will usually cause problems later. Occasionally, I will get so excited about charging in to face my fears, that I will become almost manic in my attempt to push forward to the end. This almost always messes me up. I have learned to stop and relish the moment, say thanks for the opportunity to conquer fear, and then when I have calmed back down, I can continue making plans.

It really does help to pace ourselves so that we have the staying power to complete a long involved project. Too often we knock ourselves out trying to force it too fast and then we drop off exhausted. It does not feel good to continue at that pace and we will often quit rather than reevaluate our timetables and slow down. Creating the dream can be as fulfilling as seeing the end results. Do not cheat yourself out of the positive feelings that come from overcoming fear and doubt by racing through too fast.

So, here I sit with my thoughts remembering all the times I’ve failed at this. You know what’s funny, in retrospect each event that appeared to be a failure was actually an amazing learning tool. I hate learning things that way!! Seriously though, I never really failed, I just became more and more educated, tempered, stronger, more self-confident, more defined, more focused, more streamlined, more global, more spiritual, more patient, and more harmonious with how it was all supposed to play out. I can see now why I had to go through those other first steps so that I could be here today in this moment taking this step. It’s all exactly the way it should be. An infinite wisdom must have been at work somewhere behind the scenes. ‘Thank you.’ I’m ready now.

This article was adapted from a segment of Beyond the Inner-Critic by Skye Thomas, copyright 2003.

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About The Author

Skye Thomas began writing books and articles with an everyday practical approach to spirituality, motivation, and inspiration in 1999 after twenty years of studying spirituality, metaphysics, motivation, and parenting. More of her articles can be found at www.tomorrowsedge.net as well as free previews of her books. skye@tomorrowsedge.net

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